I'M SAD.... LIFE IS CHANGING AND LETTING GO IS HARD

I was sitting here talking to my son about what is going on with his life and the move he is about to make here soon. After a long relationship with Ramon, they split up back in August. I don't think I will ever forget it, I was told on my 50th birthday. Happy Birthday it was not. You would have thought my partner & I broke up the way I cried for weeks. I guess it wasn't a total shock but after living with the guys since March 2007 and Ramon and I becoming closer after a tumultuous couple years it just made me sad. The first seam was ripped open. 

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Matt on the left - Ramon on the right
PJ the dog - Fabiola the cat
in happier times

During life you may hear when looking for work: "Looking for someone who can change constantly". At one time in my life I thought of myself as someone who adapts to change really well. When I hit my 40's and started be true to myself, I honestly told myself I don't adapt well. I get comfortable with the same things whether in my life or work, my friendships or relationships with men. It could have been due to low self-confidence when I was a lot younger (teens to my late 30's) and I think now it relates to being isolated from the many people I have known throughout my life. 

I currently live in the St. Louis area. I have lived with the boys the whole time. I have not made any friends that I hang out with ALL the time. I made friends through the jobs I worked at. I made friends at school. But we don't hang out with one another. I prefer to stay at home as opposed to going out to bars and such. When I first moved here it didn't bother me. I always had one of the guys around (Matt, my son or Ramon his partner who I love as a son). At one time we had a gorgeous foster baby for 14 mos who kept me occupied most of the time.

I started feeling sad when our foster baby left Jan 31 of last year. She was a foster child, but, I loved and cared for her as if she was my true granddaughter. Alaysha was and is one of the most beautiful babies around. In November, I mad contact with her present foster family to be able to see her. I have been blessed to be able to set up times to see her. It's awesome! She is 2 now and doesn't remember me, but hopefully she will warm back up to me as her friend; someone who loves and cares for her. When Alaysha left I cried so much, I began to wonder if I would ever stop. I put so much into her care and she loved us all, it was unimaginable pain when she left.

Then the guys split up. These things happen, but, it just came at an inconvenient time for me - LOL.  Ramon and I were getting along the best ever. We spent a lot of times running around St. Louis. He introduced me to a place at the Galleria Mall that sells sushi (loved it until I found out it had eel in it) and a quaint little place to get a Mexican torte. His company and the food was yummy! I guess our bond became really close when Alaysha left. The three of us were sad, but Ramon and I were able to share our feelings with each other. When Ramon left in Oct, it was like another piece of my life was ripped away. 

Things happen in life and you learn to deal with it and move on. Sometimes it's not so easy, especially w/ someone you have a good friendship, close friendship with. Enter a man I met at school. Darryl K Golson. Our relationship didn't just happen. I have a problem with judging people sometimes before getting to know them. I don't know why I do that. Maybe deep down it makes feel better than them or old habits die hard. We met at school, and I didn't know what to think of him. To me he was LOUD. This is funny coming from me because I have always been known to be LOUD myself (chuckle). He is actually louder than I am, and I have had to ask him to quiet down a bit because my ears hurt. Darryl is a man who is confident in himself. He knows what he wants and he won't let anything get in his way. Sometimes he can seem overpowering, something I am not use to seeing in real life. He holds himself in high regard, he dresses to the nine's wherever he goes, he takes care of himself and makes sure he ALWAYS looks good. I am always telling him we could never date or be married because he couldn't handle me, but more because I couldn't handle his perfectionism. He doesn't accept excuses for ANYTHING. I am the QUEEN of excuses.

For the past few months we have grown close as friends. We hung out a lot. We talked almost nightly on Yahoo IM

Darryl - Christmas Day 2010

Three losses in one year with another one going to happen soon. Matt is moving from the house that Ramon and him shared and I have to find a place to live in the next two months. It just everything is changing and I am running around in a maze (in my head at least) screaming. My whole physical support system is gone. I just feel on my own (even though I am not).  Darryl is coming back late February, early March, but when you feel alone that is a long time. I feel helpless with Darryl . He will be getting treated for his illness, and I won't be with him physically to take him where he needs to go, or to try and cheer him up. It's going to be rough for me because I want to talk to him, but, I am sure he will not be up to it at times.  We both are thankful for our video chats, but sometimes you just want to be in each others company to see for yourself that your friend is okay. 

Oh, I will suck all this up and go on. I have no choice. I have my schooling to finish, I have a place to look for to live, I need to find a job or two. But in those few seconds when my body and brain are able to take a rest, I will still be sad until Ramon or Darryl  come back or until I can see my son when he is not so busy. 

It's called LIFE :).

Me and PJ New Years Eve 2010