THE OLDER I GET THE MORE PATIENCE I HAVE; SO THEN WHY DO CERTAIN THINGS PISS ME OFF ROYALLY?

OH WHAT A DAY! I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING BUT GO TO THE EXAMINATION SOCIAL SECURITY SET UP FOR ME. I WAS GIVEN TWO EXAMS: PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PHYSICAL (IF YOU WANT TO CALL IT THAT). YOU HEAR HOW HORRIBLE IT IS TO GO THROUGH THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO GET DISABILITY, BUT YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND IT UNTIL YOU YOURSELF GO THROUGH IT. 

MY DAY STARTED OFF GOOD.. GOT UP, GOT READY AND LEFT FOR THE APPOINTMENT. THE BUILDING WAS A TALL BUILDING ACROSS FROM THE GALLERIA MALL WHICH I HAVE BEEN TO A FEW TIMES. (RAMON AND I HAD BEEN GOING TO GET SUSCHI, UNTIL I FOUND OUT IT HAD EEL IN IT).....

I USE A CANE TO WALK. I HAVE A PLACARD FOR "HANDICAP" PARKING. THERE WAS NO "HANDICAP" PARKING AVAILABLE. SO I WALK FROM MY CAR TO THE BUILDING. IT WAS A QUARTER BLOCK, BUT I HAD TO GO UP TO THE TWELVETH FLOOR. THE RECEPTIONIST MALE WAS NICE. THE GUY WHO TOOK MY WEIGHT (280 LBS) AND HEIGHT (I HAVE BEEN 5'2 1/4" MY WHOLE ADULT LIFE - HE HAS ME AT 4'11" - SO THAT IS 3 1/4 INCHES I HAVE SHRUNK). BP WAS 159/85.

MY FIRST APT WAS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTING: TELL ME WHAT THE DATE IS, WHO IS THE PRESIDENT: TELLL ME YOUR SOCIAL NUMBER; REMEMBER THESE THREE WORDS - APPLE, CAR, PENCIL. REPEAT THE FOLLOWING BACK TO ME (NUMBERS), REPEAT AFTER ME AND SAY BACKWARDS (NUMBERS AGAIN). WHAT MEDS ARE YOU ON? DO YOU HEAR VOICES TALKING TO YOU (ANSWER: NO I AM NOT BI-POLAR), THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE (NO), WHOSE THE PRESIDENT?, WHO WERE THE THREE PRESIDENTS BEFORE HIM, TELL ME TWO STORIES GOING ON IN THE NEWS (LIBYA AND BESIDES PEOPLE GETTING SHOT AND CUT UP IN PEICES ALMOST EVERYDAY SAID, THE CITY OF ST. LOUIS LAYING OFF FIREMAN BUT ARE BRINGING THEM BACK INTO THE FOLD DUE TO A 3.2 MILLION GRANT RECEIVED THAT WILL COVER THEIR PAY, ETC...FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS.~~~~~THIS LADY WAS REALLY NICE. ASKED WHAT MEDS I AM ON, WHEN DID i GET DIAGNOSED FOR DEPRESSION, HIGH BP. 

SHE TOLD ME THAT EVERYONE APPLYING FOR DISABILITY GETS A PSYCH EVALUATION. LUCKY US!

STILL IN A GOOD MOOD TO THIS POINT. THEN I MEET THE DOCTOR PICKED BY DISABILITY TO EVALUATE ME. AS SOON AS SHE WALKS IN THE DOOR SHE LOOKS ME TOP TO BOTTOM  LIKE SHE ALREADY HAS HER MIND MADE UP.  I MEAN THE LOOK ON HER FACE. SHE STARTS QUESTIONING ME AS TO AM I IN PAIN ALL THE TIME. IT'S THE MANNER OF WHICH SHE SPEAKS TO ME THAT PISSES ME OFF FROM THE GET GO. I TRUELY UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE THOSE WHO ARE TRYING TO "SCAM" TO GET DISABILITY. THEN THERE ARE THOSE WHO ARE SINCERE IN THEIR QUEST TO APPLY FOR IT. THIS WOMAN, WAS TALKING TO ME LIKE ALL THE ANSWERS I WAS GIVING HER WERE LIES. 

HOW MUCH WEIGHT CAN YOU LIFT? I TOLD HER 5 LBS, SHE COMES BACK W/ 5 LBS IS A PKG OF SUGAR, THEN I TELL HER 1O LBS. WHETHER SHE BELIEVES IT OR NOT I HAVE A WEIGHT LIMIT. I HAVE A BENDING LIMIT NOT MORE THAN 90 DEGREES. SHE ASKS ME IF i GO GROCERY SHOPPING. i TELL HER YES, SHE ASKS HOW OFTEN, I SAID ONCE A WEEK IF THAT. sHE ASKS IF i DO LAUNDRY, I TOLD HER YES, HOW OFTEN, I TELL HER EVERY TWO WEEKS. DO YOU COOK, I TELL HER i MICROWAVE THINGS BECAUSE IT'S EASIER AND FASTER THAN STANDING AT THE STOVE. HOW MANY MINS CAN YOU STAND BEFORE YOU CAN'T STAND - I TELL HER ABOUT 5 MINS, BUT i USUALLY AM LEANING AGAINST THE STINK OR COUNTERS. THIS LADY PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT "YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAND AT THE STOVE THE WHOLE TIME YOU ARE COOKING. i TOLD HER YES YOU DO IT YOU DONT WANT YOUR FOOD TO BURN. SHE PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT SHE COOKS EVERYDAY, AND DOESNT STAND BY THE STOVE, BUT THEN MAYBE YOU  (MEANING ME) COOK DIFFERENTLY. 

DOES THE PHRASE "BITCH-SLAP" MEAN ANYTHING?

SHE HAS ME TO WALK 4-5 STEPS FROM THE CHAIR I AM SITTING IN TO THE ROOM DOOR. I WALK (NO PROBLEM BECAUSE I HAD BEEN SITTING DOWN WAITING FOR HER). SHE TELLS ME YOU WALK JUST FINE. I ANSWERED, i TOLD YOU i CAN WALK SEVERAL STEPS BEFORE i START HAVING PAIN AND PROBLEMS WITH WALKING. BEFORE SHE HAD ME DO THAT SHE HAD ASKED ME HOW FAR CAN YOU WALK WITHOUT THE CANE? i TOLD HER SEVERAL STEPS AND THEN i HAVE TO USE MY CANE BECAUSE MY LEGS START HURTING AND GET HEAVY, AND MY BACK FROM THE BRA BAND DOWN TO THE PELVIC AREA AND HIPS START HURTING. i SAY SEVERAL STEPS AND SHE ASKS 100 FEET, A BLOCK.  I SAID NO WAY CAN I WALK 100 FT W/ OUT HELP OR STOPPING A LOT. i HAVE HAVE PROBLEMS BREATHING WHEN i WALK FOR LONG WAYS.  

I WAS ASKED WHO GAVE ME THE CANE AND WAS i SHOWN HOW TO USE IT. I SAID I WAS GIVEN THE CANE WHEN MY HIP WAS REPLACED. (SHE ASKED AND LOOKED AT ME LIKE I JUST WENT OUT AND BOUGHT THE DARN THING). SHE ASKED ME IF I CAN BEND FORWARD, ASKS ME IF i CAN BEND SIDE BY SIDE. i DO IT AND SHE JOTS DOWN HER NOTES. SHE WASN'T LISTENING TO ME. SHE WAS ASKING ME QUESTIONS AND WHEN I ANSWERED SHE WAS MAKING A FACE LIKE SHE DIDNT BELIEVE ME, ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION. SHE HAD ME TAKE THE PAPER GOWN OFF TO LOOK AT ME, HAS ME STAND STRAIGHT (AS STRAIGHT AS i CAN) AND PROCEEDS TO TELL ME HAVE I THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING A LIFT ON MY LEFT SHOE, BECAUSE i AM STANDING ON MY TOE. i TOLD HER I DONT NEED A LIFT, THAT WHEN MY SURGERY WAS DONE MY LEGS WERE EVEN AND THE DOCTOR SAID I DIDNT NEED ON. SHE PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT i AM LEANING TO THE RIGHT. i CORRECT HER AND SAY I LEAN TO THE LEFT. I NOT ONLY HAVE HIP PROBLEMS, OSTEOARTHRITIS, BUT I WAS BORN WITH SCOLIOSIS AS WELL. sHE STILL INSISTED IT WAS TO THE RIGHT. sHE ASKED ME IF I DROVE MYSELF THERE AND I TOLD HER YES. AS IF HANDICAP PEOPLE CAN;T DRIVE. 

THIS DOCTOR WAS A MESS. sHE ONLY SPOKE TO ME FOR ABOUT 30 MINS.  AND  SHE HAD LAY ON MY BACK AND WANTED ME TO STRETCH BOTH LEGS OUT WHILE FLAT ON MY BACK. I TOLD HER i CANT LAY STRAIGHT ON MY BACK. tHE LEFT LEG DOESNT LIKE FLAT AND ONLY STRAIGHTENS SO FAR, AND THE RIGHT DOESNT GO ALL THE WAY DOWN WITH OUT THE SPINE AND PELVIS HURTING.  I TOLD HER I HAVE TO HAVE PILLOWS UNDER MY LEGS IF I LAY ON MY BACK. i NORMALLY LAY ON MY SIDES WITH A BIG HARD PILLOW BETWEEN MY LEGS, OTHERWISE IT ALWAYS FEELS LIKE THE HIPS ARE BEING PULLED ON. SHE GRABBED MY CALF EACH ON SEPERATELY, PUSH HARD, PULL HARD, LIFT YOUR KNEES - EACH WITH HER TRYING TO HOLD IT DOWN. sHE DIDNT HOLD IT DOWN HARD AT ALL. 

i WAS SO DISGUSTED BY THE TIME i LEFT. i KNEW i WOULD HAVE TO FIGHT FOR DISABILITY, BUT SHE JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE i WAS MAKING THIS STUFF UP, AND EVERYTHING i WAS TELLING HER WERE LIES. i DONT CARE THAT i HAVE TO FIGHT FOR THIS. tHIS IS GOING TO BE A FIGHT i WILL WIN. 

Oh, SHE HAD ASKED ME TO TELL HER HOW  MY DAY IS NORMALLY. WHAT TIME DO i WAKE UP. i TOLD HER I DON'T HAVE A CERTAIN SLEEP SCHEDULE. i TOLD HOH WHAT A DAY! I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING BUT GO TO THE EXAMINATION SOCIAL SECURITY SET UP FOR ME. I WAS GIVEN TWO EXAMS: PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PHYSICAL (IF YOU WANT TO CALL IT THAT). YOU HEAR HOW HORRIBLE IT IS TO GO THROUGH THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO GET DISABILITY, BUT YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND IT UNTIL YOU YOURSELF GO THROUGH IT. 

MY DAY STARTED OFF GOOD.. GOT UP, GOT READY AND LEFT FOR THE APPOINTMENT. THE BUILDING WAS A TALL BUILDING ACROSS FROM THE GALLERIA MALL WHICH I HAVE BEEN TO A FEW TIMES. (RAMON AND I HAD BEEN GOING TO GET SUSCHI, UNTIL I FOUND OUT IT HAD EEL IN IT).....

I USE A CANE TO WALK. I HAVE A PLACARD FOR "HANDICAP" PARKING. THERE WAS NO "HANDICAP" PARKING AVAILABLE. SO I WALK FROM MY CAR TO THE BUILDING. IT WAS A QUARTER BLOCK, BUT I HAD TO GO UP TO THE TWELVETH FLOOR. THE RECEPTIONIST MALE WAS NICE. THE GUY WHO TOOK MY WEIGHT (280 LBS) AND HEIGHT (I HAVE BEEN 5'2 1/4" MY WHOLE ADULT LIFE - HE HAS ME AT 4'11" - SO THAT IS 3 1/4 INCHES I HAVE SHRUNK). BP WAS 159/85.

MY FIRST APT WAS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTING: TELL ME WHAT THE DATE IS, WHO IS THE PRESIDENT: TELLL ME YOUR SOCIAL NUMBER; REMEMBER THESE THREE WORDS - APPLE, CAR, PENCIL. REPEAT THE FOLLOWING BACK TO ME (NUMBERS), REPEAT AFTER ME AND SAY BACKWARDS (NUMBERS AGAIN). WHAT MEDS ARE YOU ON? DO YOU HEAR VOICES TALKING TO YOU (ANSWER: NO I AM NOT BI-POLAR), THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE (NO), WHOSE THE PRESIDENT?, WHO WERE THE THREE PRESIDENTS BEFORE HIM, TELL ME TWO STORIES GOING ON IN THE NEWS (LIBYA AND BESIDES PEOPLE GETTING SHOT AND CUT UP IN PEICES ALMOST EVERYDAY SAID, THE CITY OF ST. LOUIS LAYING OFF FIREMAN BUT ARE BRINGING THEM BACK INTO THE FOLD DUE TO A 3.2 MILLION GRANT RECEIVED THAT WILL COVER THEIR PAY, ETC...FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS.~~~~~THIS LADY WAS REALLY NICE. ASKED WHAT MEDS I AM ON, WHEN DID i GET DIAGNOSED FOR DEPRESSION, HIGH BP. 

SHE TOLD ME THAT EVERYONE APPLYING FOR DISABILITY GETS A PSYCH EVALUATION. LUCKY US!

STILL IN A GOOD MOOD TO THIS POINT. THEN I MEET THE DOCTOR PICKED BY DISABILITY TO EVALUATE ME. AS SOON AS SHE WALKS IN THE DOOR SHE LOOKS ME TOP TO BOTTOM  LIKE SHE ALREADY HAS HER MIND MADE UP.  I MEAN THE LOOK ON HER FACE. SHE STARTS QUESTIONING ME AS TO AM I IN PAIN ALL THE TIME. IT'S THE MANNER OF WHICH SHE SPEAKS TO ME THAT PISSES ME OFF FROM THE GET GO. I TRUELY UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE THOSE WHO ARE TRYING TO "SCAM" TO GET DISABILITY. THEN THERE ARE THOSE WHO ARE SINCERE IN THEIR QUEST TO APPLY FOR IT. THIS WOMAN, WAS TALKING TO ME LIKE ALL THE ANSWERS I WAS GIVING HER WERE LIES. 

HOW MUCH WEIGHT CAN YOU LIFT? I TOLD HER 5 LBS, SHE COMES BACK W/ 5 LBS IS A PKG OF SUGAR, THEN I TELL HER 1O LBS. WHETHER SHE BELIEVES IT OR NOT I HAVE A WEIGHT LIMIT. I HAVE A BENDING LIMIT NOT MORE THAN 90 DEGREES. SHE ASKS ME IF i GO GROCERY SHOPPING. i TELL HER YES, SHE ASKS HOW OFTEN, I SAID ONCE A WEEK IF THAT. sHE ASKS IF i DO LAUNDRY, I TOLD HER YES, HOW OFTEN, I TELL HER EVERY TWO WEEKS. DO YOU COOK, I TELL HER i MICROWAVE THINGS BECAUSE IT'S EASIER AND FASTER THAN STANDING AT THE STOVE. HOW MANY MINS CAN YOU STAND BEFORE YOU CAN'T STAND - I TELL HER ABOUT 5 MINS, BUT i USUALLY AM LEANING AGAINST THE STINK OR COUNTERS. THIS LADY PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT "YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAND AT THE STOVE THE WHOLE TIME YOU ARE COOKING. i TOLD HER YES YOU DO IT YOU DONT WANT YOUR FOOD TO BURN. SHE PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT SHE COOKS EVERYDAY, AND DOESNT STAND BY THE STOVE, BUT THEN MAYBE YOU  (MEANING ME) COOK DIFFERENTLY. 

DOES THE PHRASE "BITCH-SLAP" MEAN ANYTHING?

SHE HAS ME TO WALK 4-5 STEPS FROM THE CHAIR I AM SITTING IN TO THE ROOM DOOR. I WALK (NO PROBLEM BECAUSE I HAD BEEN SITTING DOWN WAITING FOR HER). SHE TELLS ME YOU WALK JUST FINE. I ANSWERED, i TOLD YOU i CAN WALK SEVERAL STEPS BEFORE i START HAVING PAIN AND PROBLEMS WITH WALKING. BEFORE SHE HAD ME DO THAT SHE HAD ASKED ME HOW FAR CAN YOU WALK WITHOUT THE CANE? i TOLD HER SEVERAL STEPS AND THEN i HAVE TO USE MY CANE BECAUSE MY LEGS START HURTING AND GET HEAVY, AND MY BACK FROM THE BRA BAND DOWN TO THE PELVIC AREA AND HIPS START HURTING. i SAY SEVERAL STEPS AND SHE ASKS 100 FEET, A BLOCK.  I SAID NO WAY CAN I WALK 100 FT W/ OUT HELP OR STOPPING A LOT. i HAVE HAVE PROBLEMS BREATHING WHEN i WALK FOR LONG WAYS.  

I WAS ASKED WHO GAVE ME THE CANE AND WAS i SHOWN HOW TO USE IT. I SAID I WAS GIVEN THE CANE WHEN MY HIP WAS REPLACED. (SHE ASKED AND LOOKED AT ME LIKE I JUST WENT OUT AND BOUGHT THE DARN THING). SHE ASKED ME IF I CAN BEND FORWARD, ASKS ME IF i CAN BEND SIDE BY SIDE. i DO IT AND SHE JOTS DOWN HER NOTES. SHE WASN'T LISTENING TO ME. SHE WAS ASKING ME QUESTIONS AND WHEN I ANSWERED SHE WAS MAKING A FACE LIKE SHE DIDNT BELIEVE ME, ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION. SHE HAD ME TAKE THE PAPER GOWN OFF TO LOOK AT ME, HAS ME STAND STRAIGHT (AS STRAIGHT AS i CAN) AND PROCEEDS TO TELL ME HAVE I THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING A LIFT ON MY LEFT SHOE, BECAUSE i AM STANDING ON MY TOE. i TOLD HER I DONT NEED A LIFT, THAT WHEN MY SURGERY WAS DONE MY LEGS WERE EVEN AND THE DOCTOR SAID I DIDNT NEED ON. SHE PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT i AM LEANING TO THE RIGHT. i CORRECT HER AND SAY I LEAN TO THE LEFT. I NOT ONLY HAVE HIP PROBLEMS, OSTEOARTHRITIS, BUT I WAS BORN WITH SCOLIOSIS AS WELL. sHE STILL INSISTED IT WAS TO THE RIGHT. sHE ASKED ME IF I DROVE MYSELF THERE AND I TOLD HER YES. AS IF HANDICAP PEOPLE CAN;T DRIVE. 

THIS DOCTOR WAS A MESS. sHE ONLY SPOKE TO ME FOR ABOUT 30 MINS.  AND  SHE HAD LAY ON MY BACK AND WANTED ME TO STRETCH BOTH LEGS OUT WHILE FLAT ON MY BACK. I TOLD HER i CANT LAY STRAIGHT ON MY BACK. tHE LEFT LEG DOESNT LIKE FLAT AND ONLY STRAIGHTENS SO FAR, AND THE RIGHT DOESNT GO ALL THE WAY DOWN WITH OUT THE SPINE AND PELVIS HURTING.  I TOLD HER I HAVE TO HAVE PILLOWS UNDER MY LEGS IF I LAY ON MY BACK. i NORMALLY LAY ON MY SIDES WITH A BIG HARD PILLOW BETWEEN MY LEGS, OTHERWISE IT ALWAYS FEELS LIKE THE HIPS ARE BEING PULLED ON. SHE GRABBED MY CALF EACH ON SEPERATELY, PUSH HARD, PULL HARD, LIFT YOUR KNEES - EACH WITH HER TRYING TO HOLD IT DOWN. sHE DIDNT HOLD IT DOWN HARD AT ALL. 

i WAS SO DISGUSTED BY THE TIME i LEFT. i KNEW i WOULD HAVE TO FIGHT FOR DISABILITY, BUT SHE JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE i WAS MAKING THIS STUFF UP, AND EVERYTHING i WAS TELLING HER WERE LIES. i DONT CARE THAT i HAVE TO FIGHT FOR THIS. tHIS IS GOING TO BE A FIGHT i WILL WIN. 

Oh, SHE HAD ASKED ME TO TELL HER HOW  MY DAY IS NORMALLY. WHAT TIME DO i WAKE UP. i TOLD HER I DON'T HAVE A CERTAIN SLEEP SCHEDULE. i TOLD HER i GOT TO SCHOOL MON-THUR 8AM - 12 NOON. (SHE THOUGHT I WAS SAYING I WAS GOING TO SCHOOL FOR 12 HOURS), I HAD TO CLARIFY ITS 4 HOURS A DAY MON-THURS. SHE SAYS TO ME, YOU HAVE TO WALK AT SCHOOL , I TOLD HER YES. i PARK IN THE HANDICAP SPOTS AND HAVE TO WALK INTO THE LOBBY BUT HAVE TO SIT DOWN FOR UP TO 15 MINS TO CATCH MY BREATHE BEFORE I CAN MOVE ON TO THE ROOM i GO TO WHICH IS ON THE SECOND FLOOR AND A LONG WAYS DOWN, THAT i HAVE TO CATCH MY BREATH AGAIN FOR THE SECOND TIME BY THE TIME i REACH THE CLASS ROOM, IT S A LONG WAY. i CAN'T TALK UNTIL I CATCH MY BREATH. AFTER SCHOOL I COME HOME AND TAKE A NAP USUALLY FROM 2PM-5PM, THEN i AM UP UNTIL ABOUT 1AM TO 3AM, GETTING BACK UP AT 5AM OR 6AM. i DONT HAVE A SET SLEEP SCHEDULE. I SLEEP WHEN I GET TIRED. I HAVE ABOUT 2 GOOD HOURS OF SLEEP PER DAY, AND TOSS AND TURN THE REST OF THE TIME.

ANYWAY, I HAVE ALREADY CONTACTED  4 DIFFERENT LAWYERS TO SEE WHO WILL TAKE MY CASE TO HELP ME. THIS ISNT SOMETHING THAT JUST HAS STARTED IN THE LAST FEW YEARS, ITS PROBLEMS I HAVE HAD FOR YEARS, SINCE BIRTH EVEN. THIS WILL BE A FIGHT, MAYBE A LONG FIGHT. IT WILL BE A FIGHT I WILL WIN. i DO LIKE A CHALLENGE NOW AND THEN. THIS SHOULD BE VERY INTERESTING.......ER i GOT TO SCHOOL MON-THUR 8AM - 12 NOON. (SHE THOUGHT I WAS SAYING I WAS GOING TO SCHOOL FOR 12 HOURS), I HAD TO CLARIFY ITS 4 HOURS A DAY MON-THURS. SHE SAYS TO ME, YOU HAVE TO WALK AT SCHOOL , I TOLD HER YES. i PARK IN THE HANDICAP SPOTS AND HAVE TO WALK INTO THE LOBBY BUT HAVE TO SIT DOWN FOR UP TO 15 MINS TO CATCH MY BREATHE BEFORE I CAN MOVE ON TO THE ROOM i GO TO WHICH IS ON THE SECOND FLOOR AND A LONG WAYS DOWN, THAT i HAVE TO CATCH MY BREATH AGAIN FOR THE SECOND TIME BY THE TIME i REACH THE CLASS ROOM, IT S A LONG WAY. i CAN'T TALK UNTIL I CATCH MY BREATH. AFTER SCHOOL I COME HOME AND TAKE A NAP USUALLY FROM 2PM-5PM, THEN i AM UP UNTIL ABOUT 1AM TO 3AM, GETTING BACK UP AT 5AM OR 6AM. i DONT HAVE A SET SLEEP SCHEDULE. I SLEEP WHEN I GET TIRED. I HAVE ABOUT 2 GOOD HOURS OF SLEEP PER DAY, AND TOSS AND TURN THE REST OF THE TIME.

ANYWAY, I HAVE ALREADY CONTACTED  4 DIFFERENT LAWYERS TO SEE WHO WILL TAKE MY CASE TO HELP ME. THIS ISNT SOMETHING THAT JUST HAS STARTED IN THE LAST FEW YEARS, ITS PROBLEMS I HAVE HAD FOR YEARS, SINCE BIRTH EVEN. THIS WILL BE A FIGHT, MAYBE A LONG FIGHT. IT WILL BE A FIGHT I WILL WIN. i DO LIKE A CHALLENGE NOW AND THEN. THIS SHOULD BE VERY INTERESTING.......

I'M SAD.... LIFE IS CHANGING AND LETTING GO IS HARD

I was sitting here talking to my son about what is going on with his life and the move he is about to make here soon. After a long relationship with Ramon, they split up back in August. I don't think I will ever forget it, I was told on my 50th birthday. Happy Birthday it was not. You would have thought my partner & I broke up the way I cried for weeks. I guess it wasn't a total shock but after living with the guys since March 2007 and Ramon and I becoming closer after a tumultuous couple years it just made me sad. The first seam was ripped open. 

caption

Matt on the left - Ramon on the right
PJ the dog - Fabiola the cat
in happier times

During life you may hear when looking for work: "Looking for someone who can change constantly". At one time in my life I thought of myself as someone who adapts to change really well. When I hit my 40's and started be true to myself, I honestly told myself I don't adapt well. I get comfortable with the same things whether in my life or work, my friendships or relationships with men. It could have been due to low self-confidence when I was a lot younger (teens to my late 30's) and I think now it relates to being isolated from the many people I have known throughout my life. 

I currently live in the St. Louis area. I have lived with the boys the whole time. I have not made any friends that I hang out with ALL the time. I made friends through the jobs I worked at. I made friends at school. But we don't hang out with one another. I prefer to stay at home as opposed to going out to bars and such. When I first moved here it didn't bother me. I always had one of the guys around (Matt, my son or Ramon his partner who I love as a son). At one time we had a gorgeous foster baby for 14 mos who kept me occupied most of the time.

I started feeling sad when our foster baby left Jan 31 of last year. She was a foster child, but, I loved and cared for her as if she was my true granddaughter. Alaysha was and is one of the most beautiful babies around. In November, I mad contact with her present foster family to be able to see her. I have been blessed to be able to set up times to see her. It's awesome! She is 2 now and doesn't remember me, but hopefully she will warm back up to me as her friend; someone who loves and cares for her. When Alaysha left I cried so much, I began to wonder if I would ever stop. I put so much into her care and she loved us all, it was unimaginable pain when she left.

Then the guys split up. These things happen, but, it just came at an inconvenient time for me - LOL.  Ramon and I were getting along the best ever. We spent a lot of times running around St. Louis. He introduced me to a place at the Galleria Mall that sells sushi (loved it until I found out it had eel in it) and a quaint little place to get a Mexican torte. His company and the food was yummy! I guess our bond became really close when Alaysha left. The three of us were sad, but Ramon and I were able to share our feelings with each other. When Ramon left in Oct, it was like another piece of my life was ripped away. 

Things happen in life and you learn to deal with it and move on. Sometimes it's not so easy, especially w/ someone you have a good friendship, close friendship with. Enter a man I met at school. Darryl K Golson. Our relationship didn't just happen. I have a problem with judging people sometimes before getting to know them. I don't know why I do that. Maybe deep down it makes feel better than them or old habits die hard. We met at school, and I didn't know what to think of him. To me he was LOUD. This is funny coming from me because I have always been known to be LOUD myself (chuckle). He is actually louder than I am, and I have had to ask him to quiet down a bit because my ears hurt. Darryl is a man who is confident in himself. He knows what he wants and he won't let anything get in his way. Sometimes he can seem overpowering, something I am not use to seeing in real life. He holds himself in high regard, he dresses to the nine's wherever he goes, he takes care of himself and makes sure he ALWAYS looks good. I am always telling him we could never date or be married because he couldn't handle me, but more because I couldn't handle his perfectionism. He doesn't accept excuses for ANYTHING. I am the QUEEN of excuses.

For the past few months we have grown close as friends. We hung out a lot. We talked almost nightly on Yahoo IM

Darryl - Christmas Day 2010

Three losses in one year with another one going to happen soon. Matt is moving from the house that Ramon and him shared and I have to find a place to live in the next two months. It just everything is changing and I am running around in a maze (in my head at least) screaming. My whole physical support system is gone. I just feel on my own (even though I am not).  Darryl is coming back late February, early March, but when you feel alone that is a long time. I feel helpless with Darryl . He will be getting treated for his illness, and I won't be with him physically to take him where he needs to go, or to try and cheer him up. It's going to be rough for me because I want to talk to him, but, I am sure he will not be up to it at times.  We both are thankful for our video chats, but sometimes you just want to be in each others company to see for yourself that your friend is okay. 

Oh, I will suck all this up and go on. I have no choice. I have my schooling to finish, I have a place to look for to live, I need to find a job or two. But in those few seconds when my body and brain are able to take a rest, I will still be sad until Ramon or Darryl  come back or until I can see my son when he is not so busy. 

It's called LIFE :).

Me and PJ New Years Eve 2010